Be You, Hairy or Not

In the latest in a long line of efforts to maintain a sense of irony, hipsters have begun donning their unkempt beards with fresh cut flowers.

For the record, I don't mind beards. I like a stubbly, scruffy look, but beards aren't my thing. Tim Taylor's assistant on Tool Time does noting for me, but beards can be classic and clean.

However, sometime last autumn hipsters began challenging each other to grow their beards as long as they could. In other words, in part of the hipster community's never-ending quest to look as gross as possible, they challenged each other to avoid shaving.

As someone who prefers a 90s era Rob Thomas to the man we see today, I'll admit, I like dirty guys with greasy hair. If you smell like Jack Daniels and cigarettes you probably turn me on...assuming I don't get tangled in a web of hirsuteness. 

But the beard challenge isn't sexy, and any BuzzFeed article that argues otherwise is confusing the inherent sexiness of its models with the incidental presence of any models' facial beard. 

There's little to say about adding flowers to already unkempt facial hair. With Urban Outfitters peddling $60 t-shirts and items otherwise found in thrift stores, hipsters are the new normal. Dipping a beard in potpourri is just a last ditch effort to stay ahead of the curve. 

The once unique fashion statements found in post-emo hipsters in the early 21st Century have become so exhausted that the only way for one to be truly ironic is to shop at the Gap or hit the gym.

I am now more hipster than hipsters.

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In a similar vein, Matt Stopera's BuzzFeed article regarding body hair made the rounds on Facebook last week and shows the same confusion between hairiness and manliness as the recent love affair with unkempt beards.

Stopera's post includes a laundry list of musclebound men who'd be sexy with or without body hair, confusing the incidental presence of body hair with physiques that take time to build. I challenge Stopera to glue some hair to Mr. Potato head and tell me its sexier than Ryan Reynold's topless. 

Confusing physical prowess with the unkempt man is confusing superficial appearance with the reason truly unkempt men are sexy: they're sexy because they don't care. Men and women alike tend to prefer natural to groomed, but the psychological reasons have nothing to do with what's in front of them. An ungroomed man implies a low maintenance, too-cool-for-school renegade unconcerned with fashion and spa products because he's so hot he can get by on his own merits.

Adorning beards with flowers, or simply growing one to excess is counter to the inherent, even animalistic sex appeal of the man who cares not. It's simply hyper masculine drag, a Tom of Finland cartoon, masquerading and fetishizing manliness behind a facade of insecurity. 

If you're hairy, be hairy. But don't be afraid to buy a razor because BuzzFeed tells you that your greatest insecurity is cause for praise. Part of being yourself is understanding and dealing with your own insecurities, not joining a cult that fetishizes your quirks. If you want to shave your shoulders, shave them. It's ironic, but both the gay and hipster communities self ascribe themselves as groups that embrace individuality, yet more often that not, in one way or another, you need to alter your own instincts and appearance to join. 

Be you, hairy or not.

Dear Gay White Men: Stop Acting Like Black Women

That's what University of Mississippi senior Sierra Mannie wants, and it blew up the internet this weekend. While it may seem like Mannie's seen a few too many episodes of RuPaul's Drag Race, her grief comes from a real place. Unfortunately it's a very subjective place and her article that was posted everywhere from Time to Slate was offered up without interpretation.

Read the article here

The subject of re-appropriation of black culture is nothing new. South Park covered it years ago. But Mannie didn't stop at white suburbanites using the terms "hizzy" and "jawn," she singled out gay white men who joke about weaves.

It may be inappropriate and disrespectful, but if Mannie actually spoke to these men she might find she has more in common with them than an appreciation for Beyonce. Having grown up and gone to college in the South, as a gay white man I've seen exactly what she's talking about. Sassy men who refer to themselves as Shaniqua and quote Shirley Q. Liquor. It's obnoxious. But the South is a hateful place, a hotbed of racism and homophobia. Gay men in the Deep South have little to laugh about within their own community so they seek out others who understand discrimination.

Mannie shows her inexperience in life by suggesting that gay men can hide while black women have to wear their minority status. Claiming the truth, "white people are not racially oppressed in the United States of America" she ignores the fact that gay white men are oppressed. Because in her America, hiding your sexual orientation is the only option gay men have.

The men she's referring to clearly don't want to hide, nor should they want to. They're seeking solace in other marginalized communities, trying to embrace women who don't care that they're gay. Could they go about it a better way? Of course. They could simply be themselves. But in the South, a gay college senior is coming off of eighteen years of being despised for being himself. Maybe if she sat down and spoke to some of these men she'd understand why they're so desperately trying to be someone else. 

Iran's Modern Family

In what the Huffington Post has called "disheartening," the Islamic Republic of Iranian Broadcasting has copied the hit American sitcom Modern Family with its own Haft Sang. 

What's disheartening about Iran copying a show that promotes the morals of the modern American family? 

Well it leaves out Mitch and Cam, the show's gay characters and their adopted baby, of course, replacing them with a straight couple and their adopted baby.

But it's not shocking and the only ones who should truly be outraged are the show's creators, writers, and directors. International copyright laws aren't often enforced in Iran and many other countries. Russia copied Always Sunny in Philadelphia, obviously downplaying similar content perceived to be pro-gay. Although in the case of москве всегда солнечно, it may be more likely that Russian writers simply didn't get the show's satire and assumed that Always Sunny's slurs are meant to be literal.

Haft Sang

Iran is a different story though and this bit of western influence, even without its gay couple, is a good sign. Unlike Russian culture which was cut off from the world in the 1940s and is struggling to catch up, Iran was only severed from modern ideology in 1979. Plenty of Iranians remember a nation not unlike others in the 1970s. Read Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis for more on that. It's funny, charming, and sad.

Haft Sang has upset some conservative Iranians, primarily because it borrows from an American show that allegedly promotes homosexuality. Parliament's Culture Committee has stated that IRIB will appear before legislators regarding the show's originality. It's not the first American show that has been copied in Iran, but the American version has a sizable viewership online in Iran, perhaps prompting the IRIB to offer a localized version.

What many may perceive to be a conservative move is actually bold in an insular country with rigid laws against homosexuality, a crime punishable by death. The fact that the IRIB is tiptoeing into the comedic foibles of any modern family to cater to a public that already seeks this humor online is a step in the right direction. 

The impact that the mainstream media has had on the United States over the past twenty years is astounding, and it's finding its way to smart phones and iPads around the globe, showing those laughing from Tehran and Moscow, "we're funny, just like everyone else."

Somewhere, Gloria Steinem Weeps

Whether you're conservative or liberal, religious or secular, if you've been on Facebook - or just online - in the past week, you haven't missed out on the fact that this Hobby Lobby/Conestoga Wood thing is kind of a big deal.

The ruling essentially treats for profit companies like private individuals with religious ideals, even when the company profits on cheap crap manufactured in China, allowing them to refuse to cover medical procedures they unscientifically deem synonymous with abortion.

Displaying the evangelical extreme of these corporations, and the ignorance of the men on SCOTUS, these companies may now choose to exempt certain forms of contraception in their health care plans. Plans provided by informed health insurance companies, not the medical brainiacs selling silk flowers and yarn.

The most disturbing image of the Hobby Lobby Movement may be this one, of a young woman clearly possessed by the spirit of religious indoctrination, proudly proclaiming her freedom from a lifetime of choice.

Somewhere, Gloria Steinem weeps.

While the ruling only affects certain forms of contraception provided by health care companies tied to companies who wish to file the proper paper work, the women on SCOTUS recognized the slippery slope this precedent sets. Namely Justice Ruth Bater Ginsberg who stated that the court "has ventured into a minefield."

Specific or not, no ruling can control a precedent. We've seen precedents aid progress in the gay marriage movement, beginning with Civil Unions and state recognition eventually leading to full and equal representation.

In an era of sweeping progress across America, both in LGBT rights and affordable healthcare, this could be the beginning of the extreme Right's attempt to retaliate, a step towards evangelical relevance, at least in terms of political presence. 

But it may also hurt the GOP. Like fringe extremes on the Left, the evangelical movement has been a black mark on the Right. Prominent Republican candidates typically dodge evangelicals despite their willingness to vote for the Right ever since Pat Robertson ran for the White House.

Even Christians have criticized Hobby Lobby for referring to itself as a "Christian business" because of its thousands of products manufactured in China where child labor and abortion abound. There is bipartisan stink around this ruling and it will undoubtedly impact voters' decisions in November, particularly women voters in both parties.

Unfortunately, the precedent has been set for corporations to deny coverage for vaccines, blood transfusions, and life saving treatments that deviate from extreme Christian, Jewish, Islamic, Mormon, even Dianetic beliefs.

Corporations are now people and the evangelicals have rolled the dice. When your boss asks that you wear a hijab because your hair offends your employer's religious beliefs, just remember, religious zealots brought this on themselves.

First Trans Man to Win Mr. Gay Philadelphia

Philadelphia just keeps getting gayer, and that's a great thing. 

Last weekend, Lou Cutler was "crowned" Mr. Gay Philadelphia. Why's that astounding? Cutler is transgender. In fact, he's the first trans man to hold such a title.

Congrats, Lou, keep on being who you are!

That's So Gay

Through October 17th, the Library Company of Philadelphia will be exposing America's lavender history with That's So Gay: Outing Early America. 

Of course the LCP admits the difficulty in pulling the "gay" out of a history that wouldn't recognize the word, but there's still an abundance of gender bending photography, poetry, and purported affairs of same sex couples that prove the past is not as rigid as our conventional history books lead us to believe.

Ten Ways to Be a Better Gay Man

Be Nice
It's so simple. And honestly, most people hold themselves in high regard when it comes to being a good person. Very few people, even the most toxic of queens, actually think they're bad people. 

The trials of coming out, being judged, and the legitimate hardship gay men face can lead to cynicism. It's understandable, even expected. But cynicism can translate into simply being an ass hole that no one wants to be around. So when you're decked out in your Saturday's Best, standing with your Diesel clad buddies at Woody's or U-Bar, think twice before you say something about the old guys, the fat girls, or the guy sipping his drink by himself. 

You will get old, you might lose your hair, and you were once that lonely guy braving this gay new world.

Put Down the Bottle
Speaking of bars, put down the bottle once in a while. Gay bars have a unique place in the urban nightlife scene, and are even more influential in small towns and rural areas. But they aren't community centers. Unfortunately that's what many have become, especially in more conservative parts of the country. 

They provide a safe space for people looking to cope with bigotry, but also provide the illicit crutch that too many turn too. If you're 25, have fun. Go out, get wasted, and dance at Voyeur until the sun comes up. 

But if you're 35, being drunk isn't cute, it's sad. Especially when you're regaling about your glory days to a crowd of onlookers who don't want to listen. 

And remember, age and alcohol don't mix well. The more you continue to drink, the more you need to drink to find your comfort zone. I'm not preaching from the pulpit of AA. Share a bottle of wine with close friends. If you're single, hit the bars occasionally and have a good time. But don't be "that guy."

Volunteer
Let's face it, a lot of us gay guys aren't going to have children. We may say we will, but when you consider starting a family at forty you're faced with the realization that you'll be nearly sixty when that baby graduates high school. 

It's an unfortunately empty realization, but that doesn't mean your life has to be. If you choose to settle down, an empty nest can be taxing. There are only so many ways to rearrange furniture and a lack of personal growth will weigh on your relationship. 

Volunteering doesn't just fill the void of the absence of a child's laughter, it exposes you to new people outside of the very insular gay community. But most importantly, it improves your community.

Get Outside
If you go to a gym, wonderful. You can't control your age but you can control your health, and staying active is key. But if you live in a big city, it's very easy to forget about the vast world around us. South Beach doesn't count. Rent a car and drive to the Poconos. Or just explore Fairmount Park. 

If you're not "into the outdoors," force yourself. You might not find it on the first time, or even the fifth, but if you spend enough time in the wilderness, away from the echo of freeways and filth, you will eventually find a calming resolve you can't experience amongst our built world.

Say Hi
You never know who you'll meet. Don't stand in the corner of life, even if that corner is filled with friends. Smile at strangers on the street. Say hello to that person alone at the bar. Invite your neighbors to your birthday party.

As we age, our friends trail off in different directions. Some marry, some move away, and some simply change in ways that don't accommodate a daily phone call. Likewise, as we age it becomes increasingly difficult to make new friends. 

Don't be afraid to try, and don't be afraid to fail. Many people may not be looking for a new bestie, but someone will. And if you already have friends, don't be afraid to add one to your crew. Good people find themselves alone, and you may find yourself in their shoes one day.

Know Your Friends
On a similar note, say hi to your friends. I don't want to harp on age, but we all will grow. And sometimes we grow for the worse. Don't forget about the emotional conversations we all had in high school and college. We all still have those feelings, and sometimes they're buried beneath a shield. 

That doesn't mean your friends, and even your acquaintances don't want to talk. Many of us know what it feels like to eat lunch in the high school bathroom and claim our "friends live out of town" to save face. You would be surprised to know just how many of those smiling faces you see at Tavern on Camac every Saturday are feeling exactly like that right now.

Work to Live, Don't Live to Work
Work is demanding and it won't get any better. But always remember that when you leave this world, your bank account means nothing. Even if you work sixty hours a week, seek gratifying opportunities. 

If you ever find yourself posting a Facebook comment to the effect of "finally some time to do nothing," reconsider your career path. A healthy mind should never seek nothingness. The drudgery of work can truly tax your soul. But is your job really worth a life in which "doing nothing" is a personal goal?

Know Your Family
If you're fortunate enough to have a supportive family, take advantage of that. Even supportive family members may tiptoe around "the gay stuff," and it's not because they're ashamed, it's because they're afraid of embarrassing you. 

Coming out doesn't just take a toll on the kid confronting his parents, it take a toll on the parents, and you might not know why. When a child comes out to an accepting parent, the parent isn't always burdened with the notion of "did I do something to make you gay," they're often burdened with guilt. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Could I have done something to make it easier?" "Did I make this harder for you?"

Some parents are less tolerant. Have patience. The love for one's child is often unconditional, but that unconditionality is a double edged sword. They may be intolerant because they want what they think is the best for you, they may not be able to put themselves in your position, and they may recognize that being gay isn't easy. 

Unfortunately some parents won't want to come around. Reconnect with grandparents, aunts, and uncles, or more relatable siblings and cousins. Words within family can travel fast, and they travel back to those who raised you. As we age our parents become our contemporaries and sometimes they need a voice outside your childhood living room to convince them that you know what you're doing.

Try Monogamy
I say "try" because I'm open minded. Some people just aren't monogamous from the get go, and that's fine. But if you find yourself in a relationship that's gone on for a few years and one of you suggests having an open relationship, seriously consider why.

It may seem enticing at first, and it's easy to rationalize. But relationships are difficult. If you didn't go into the relationship as an open one, what caused the changing desire? Are you bored? Have you grown apart in any way? Do you still have the same feelings for this person you had five years ago?

If not, those are red flags and your desire for an open relationship may be out of a fear of being single again, and not one of enlightened sexuality.

Don't Let Your Sexual Orientation Define You
Believe it or not, there is a whole world full of gay people out there that don't go to gay bars and cruise Scruff. If you're used to the gay community, this world is hard to tap into. Not because they're unwilling, just because you don't see them.

Join a Dragon Boat or a softball team. You'll find them, and they're very, very interesting people. If you're young and like going to bars on the weekends, opt for Dirty Frank's or Locust Bar. You'll have some of the most amazing conversations you've ever had, conversations that extend well beyond the politics of our insular community and into arts and politics.