Philadelphia just keeps getting gayer, and that's a great thing.
Last weekend, Lou Cutler was "crowned" Mr. Gay Philadelphia. Why's that astounding? Cutler is transgender. In fact, he's the first trans man to hold such a title.
Congrats, Lou, keep on being who you are!
Through October 17th, the Library Company of Philadelphia will be exposing America's lavender history with That's So Gay: Outing Early America.
Of course the LCP admits the difficulty in pulling the "gay" out of a history that wouldn't recognize the word, but there's still an abundance of gender bending photography, poetry, and purported affairs of same sex couples that prove the past is not as rigid as our conventional history books lead us to believe.
Be Nice
It's so simple. And honestly, most people hold themselves in high regard when it comes to being a good person. Very few people, even the most toxic of queens, actually think they're bad people.
The trials of coming out, being judged, and the legitimate hardship gay men face can lead to cynicism. It's understandable, even expected. But cynicism can translate into simply being an ass hole that no one wants to be around. So when you're decked out in your Saturday's Best, standing with your Diesel clad buddies at Woody's or U-Bar, think twice before you say something about the old guys, the fat girls, or the guy sipping his drink by himself.
You will get old, you might lose your hair, and you were once that lonely guy braving this gay new world.
Put Down the Bottle
Speaking of bars, put down the bottle once in a while. Gay bars have a unique place in the urban nightlife scene, and are even more influential in small towns and rural areas. But they aren't community centers. Unfortunately that's what many have become, especially in more conservative parts of the country.
They provide a safe space for people looking to cope with bigotry, but also provide the illicit crutch that too many turn too. If you're 25, have fun. Go out, get wasted, and dance at Voyeur until the sun comes up.
But if you're 35, being drunk isn't cute, it's sad. Especially when you're regaling about your glory days to a crowd of onlookers who don't want to listen.
And remember, age and alcohol don't mix well. The more you continue to drink, the more you need to drink to find your comfort zone. I'm not preaching from the pulpit of AA. Share a bottle of wine with close friends. If you're single, hit the bars occasionally and have a good time. But don't be "that guy."
Volunteer
Let's face it, a lot of us gay guys aren't going to have children. We may say we will, but when you consider starting a family at forty you're faced with the realization that you'll be nearly sixty when that baby graduates high school.
It's an unfortunately empty realization, but that doesn't mean your life has to be. If you choose to settle down, an empty nest can be taxing. There are only so many ways to rearrange furniture and a lack of personal growth will weigh on your relationship.
Volunteering doesn't just fill the void of the absence of a child's laughter, it exposes you to new people outside of the very insular gay community. But most importantly, it improves your community.
Get Outside
If you go to a gym, wonderful. You can't control your age but you can control your health, and staying active is key. But if you live in a big city, it's very easy to forget about the vast world around us. South Beach doesn't count. Rent a car and drive to the Poconos. Or just explore Fairmount Park.
If you're not "into the outdoors," force yourself. You might not find it on the first time, or even the fifth, but if you spend enough time in the wilderness, away from the echo of freeways and filth, you will eventually find a calming resolve you can't experience amongst our built world.
Say Hi
You never know who you'll meet. Don't stand in the corner of life, even if that corner is filled with friends. Smile at strangers on the street. Say hello to that person alone at the bar. Invite your neighbors to your birthday party.
As we age, our friends trail off in different directions. Some marry, some move away, and some simply change in ways that don't accommodate a daily phone call. Likewise, as we age it becomes increasingly difficult to make new friends.
Don't be afraid to try, and don't be afraid to fail. Many people may not be looking for a new bestie, but someone will. And if you already have friends, don't be afraid to add one to your crew. Good people find themselves alone, and you may find yourself in their shoes one day.
Know Your Friends
On a similar note, say hi to your friends. I don't want to harp on age, but we all will grow. And sometimes we grow for the worse. Don't forget about the emotional conversations we all had in high school and college. We all still have those feelings, and sometimes they're buried beneath a shield.
That doesn't mean your friends, and even your acquaintances don't want to talk. Many of us know what it feels like to eat lunch in the high school bathroom and claim our "friends live out of town" to save face. You would be surprised to know just how many of those smiling faces you see at Tavern on Camac every Saturday are feeling exactly like that right now.
Work to Live, Don't Live to Work
Work is demanding and it won't get any better. But always remember that when you leave this world, your bank account means nothing. Even if you work sixty hours a week, seek gratifying opportunities.
If you ever find yourself posting a Facebook comment to the effect of "finally some time to do nothing," reconsider your career path. A healthy mind should never seek nothingness. The drudgery of work can truly tax your soul. But is your job really worth a life in which "doing nothing" is a personal goal?
Know Your Family
If you're fortunate enough to have a supportive family, take advantage of that. Even supportive family members may tiptoe around "the gay stuff," and it's not because they're ashamed, it's because they're afraid of embarrassing you.
Coming out doesn't just take a toll on the kid confronting his parents, it take a toll on the parents, and you might not know why. When a child comes out to an accepting parent, the parent isn't always burdened with the notion of "did I do something to make you gay," they're often burdened with guilt. "Why didn't I see this coming?" "Could I have done something to make it easier?" "Did I make this harder for you?"
Some parents are less tolerant. Have patience. The love for one's child is often unconditional, but that unconditionality is a double edged sword. They may be intolerant because they want what they think is the best for you, they may not be able to put themselves in your position, and they may recognize that being gay isn't easy.
Unfortunately some parents won't want to come around. Reconnect with grandparents, aunts, and uncles, or more relatable siblings and cousins. Words within family can travel fast, and they travel back to those who raised you. As we age our parents become our contemporaries and sometimes they need a voice outside your childhood living room to convince them that you know what you're doing.
Try Monogamy
I say "try" because I'm open minded. Some people just aren't monogamous from the get go, and that's fine. But if you find yourself in a relationship that's gone on for a few years and one of you suggests having an open relationship, seriously consider why.
It may seem enticing at first, and it's easy to rationalize. But relationships are difficult. If you didn't go into the relationship as an open one, what caused the changing desire? Are you bored? Have you grown apart in any way? Do you still have the same feelings for this person you had five years ago?
If not, those are red flags and your desire for an open relationship may be out of a fear of being single again, and not one of enlightened sexuality.
Don't Let Your Sexual Orientation Define You
Believe it or not, there is a whole world full of gay people out there that don't go to gay bars and cruise Scruff. If you're used to the gay community, this world is hard to tap into. Not because they're unwilling, just because you don't see them.
Join a Dragon Boat or a softball team. You'll find them, and they're very, very interesting people. If you're young and like going to bars on the weekends, opt for Dirty Frank's or Locust Bar. You'll have some of the most amazing conversations you've ever had, conversations that extend well beyond the politics of our insular community and into arts and politics.
