Be You, Hairy or Not

In the latest in a long line of efforts to maintain a sense of irony, hipsters have begun donning their unkempt beards with fresh cut flowers.

For the record, I don't mind beards. I like a stubbly, scruffy look, but beards aren't my thing. Tim Taylor's assistant on Tool Time does noting for me, but beards can be classic and clean.

However, sometime last autumn hipsters began challenging each other to grow their beards as long as they could. In other words, in part of the hipster community's never-ending quest to look as gross as possible, they challenged each other to avoid shaving.

As someone who prefers a 90s era Rob Thomas to the man we see today, I'll admit, I like dirty guys with greasy hair. If you smell like Jack Daniels and cigarettes you probably turn me on...assuming I don't get tangled in a web of hirsuteness. 

But the beard challenge isn't sexy, and any BuzzFeed article that argues otherwise is confusing the inherent sexiness of its models with the incidental presence of any models' facial beard. 

There's little to say about adding flowers to already unkempt facial hair. With Urban Outfitters peddling $60 t-shirts and items otherwise found in thrift stores, hipsters are the new normal. Dipping a beard in potpourri is just a last ditch effort to stay ahead of the curve. 

The once unique fashion statements found in post-emo hipsters in the early 21st Century have become so exhausted that the only way for one to be truly ironic is to shop at the Gap or hit the gym.

I am now more hipster than hipsters.

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In a similar vein, Matt Stopera's BuzzFeed article regarding body hair made the rounds on Facebook last week and shows the same confusion between hairiness and manliness as the recent love affair with unkempt beards.

Stopera's post includes a laundry list of musclebound men who'd be sexy with or without body hair, confusing the incidental presence of body hair with physiques that take time to build. I challenge Stopera to glue some hair to Mr. Potato head and tell me its sexier than Ryan Reynold's topless. 

Confusing physical prowess with the unkempt man is confusing superficial appearance with the reason truly unkempt men are sexy: they're sexy because they don't care. Men and women alike tend to prefer natural to groomed, but the psychological reasons have nothing to do with what's in front of them. An ungroomed man implies a low maintenance, too-cool-for-school renegade unconcerned with fashion and spa products because he's so hot he can get by on his own merits.

Adorning beards with flowers, or simply growing one to excess is counter to the inherent, even animalistic sex appeal of the man who cares not. It's simply hyper masculine drag, a Tom of Finland cartoon, masquerading and fetishizing manliness behind a facade of insecurity. 

If you're hairy, be hairy. But don't be afraid to buy a razor because BuzzFeed tells you that your greatest insecurity is cause for praise. Part of being yourself is understanding and dealing with your own insecurities, not joining a cult that fetishizes your quirks. If you want to shave your shoulders, shave them. It's ironic, but both the gay and hipster communities self ascribe themselves as groups that embrace individuality, yet more often that not, in one way or another, you need to alter your own instincts and appearance to join. 

Be you, hairy or not.