On the eve of All Hallow's Eve, Trader Joe's latest radio spot has just confirmed that Halloween - and all the gayety that it once assumed - is officially dead.
It should come as no surprise. Much like the October Christmas decorations that Macy's put up two weeks ago, Americans can't seem to celebrate a holiday without completely exhausting it, even one as whimsically senseless as Halloween.
In all likelihood, Trader Joe's advertisement was written with a winking eye of irony. After all, the Hawaiian shirt clad mustachios behind Germany's answer to Walmart - Aldi - has a niche market in the States, and that market is hipsters.
The real grinch stealing the treats from our plastic jack-o'-lanterns isn't passing out kale, he's trolling out mind-numbingly hypocritical advice. It's that magical time of year when our adorable munchkins dressed as witches and wizards take a backseat to the anonymous experts and self-assigned champions of cause (a.k.a. white Millennials on Tumblr), to a social media blitz deconstructing a definitive list of appropriate Halloween costumes, and costumes that inappropriately "appropriate."
And you guessed it: it's not fun. In fact, it seems like the only thing you're allowed to dress like anymore is a slut. As long as you actually are a slut. After all, fishnets and high-heels might dub you a "slut-shamer" if you aren't willing to put out, with "affirmed consent" of course.
If you've been around for the last decade you already know better than to dress like Pocahontas or Cinderella. Geishas and Gypsies are out too, because apparently they're still a thing. Don't touch a sombrero. Sari? Sorry.
My grandfather was Greek, so I think I can wear a toga, but probably only a quarter of one. Sorry to all you frat guys out there, but apparently your fraternities offend my cultural delicacies. Well, at least the fraction of me that's offended. Italian? Feel free to dress up like Mario, Luigi, or that crazy woman from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I sure as hell can't: "CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!"
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| This is Halloween. |
Aliens are okay, as long as this thing the Kepler discovered doesn't turn out to be alien-made, in which case aliens are off the table, as well as calling them "aliens." "Other-worlders?" No, "other" implies segregation, and we don't want to "otherize" anyone, even if they aren't human.
Curly wigs? Be careful. Eye patches? Hmmm. You certainly can't paint freckles on your face if you want to be Annie. Blond wigs are a big no-no as they imply an unfair sexual ideal. Mental patients have been out for a while, which I guess includes Michael Meyers. So no straight-jackets.
Animals are probably okay as long as they aren't anthropomorphized, and you should probably wear it as a protest against African game hunting. You know, put an arrow in Cecil the Lion and hand out pamphlets.
Bloody soldiers seem to be okay because the deafening hum of Tumblr's political correctness doesn't extend to the military, at least not our own.
If all of this madness makes you want to dress up like Cliff Huxtable giving Caitlyn Jenner a Hot Cosby, congratulations, you're a human being. But as much as you want to dress up like Cait-on-the-left/Bruce-on-the-right, don't do it. Why? I don't have a clue. Kids in the '80s dressed up like Bruce Jenner. For some reason Caitlyn is excused from ridicule, even if she's an awful person. And Bill Cosby? Well even Ghost Dad is just too controversial.
So where is all this headed, and will it end? Without isolating every inhabitant on the planet (and perhaps beyond) within a cocoon of self righteousness, the exponential ladder to politically correct perfection is unsustainable.
According to South Park, it "lasted about 6 years last time. We got at least 5.9 years to go." South Park is no stranger to challenging our political sensitivities, and their latest season has been more socially relevant than the circus surrounding either of our election sideshows.
This is all a bit of history repeating itself. The late-'80s and early-'90s spun a web of PC traps that forced us all to believe we were bigots until we finally hit a breaking point and began to mock ourselves with sitcoms like Seinfeld and the Simpsons. Twenty years and a generation later, Millennials have resurrected this false ideology and amped it up through the anonymity of the internet. For every text-book Lisa Simpson that plagued the 1990s there are hundreds more finding instant validation on social media today.
But political correctness isn't just an annoyance, it's a convenient backdoor to segregation, xenophobia, and prejudice. Political correctness doesn't challenge us to be better people, it begs us to put diverse integration in the closet to quell the anxieties of those too afraid to embrace it, and even more afraid to admit it.
When armchair activists criticize Ariana Grande or Justin Bieber for "appropriating" an "Africa-American dialect," they're asking us all to relegate a vernacular to one specific demographic. That could very easily be the definition of segregation.
There is a difference between playing an offensive caricature and dressing as a cultural tribute. It's no surprise that those most offended, or rather those claiming minorities are offended, happen to be straight and white. Confusing buck teeth and a rice paddy hat with a Dia de los Muertos costume, the minions of political correctness believe any cultural reference is offensive, especially if the wearer isn't of that culture. That's troublesome in a country as diverse as the United States but somehow just as expected.
I'm as gay as they come and if I ever saw a straight guy dressed up like Snagglepuss, I wouldn't see "cultural appropriation," I'd see a pretty damn awesome dude I want to be friends with. But I'm an adult. I get context. These activists aren't progressive, they're a hinderance, and they're a veiled expression of bigotry.
Ironically, political correctness is not the answer to racial and cultural equality, but one more roadblock, one strategically dressed up in a costume cleverly masquerading as someone who cares about equality and integration, but is actually afraid to admit we're all just slabs of meat on a big blue marble. Get over yourself. None of us are special. So go forth and have fun.
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